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Again, it's over

Back to being sad! Haha the bitter irony of it all...

Well, things didn't work out with John. We ultimately decided on a casual relationship, taking things day-by-day. Of course, this led to insecurity on my part, and guilt on his.

He brought up on the weekend how we're more like friends than boyfriend-girlfriend, and how he could see us being really good friends. I sat and cried. I knew right from then it was over. I guess I understand, I know we couldn't keep this emotion-less, passion-less relationship going, and we're a sort of long-distance relationship so it really wouldn't work out well.

I liked him a lot though. More than I liked anyone before. I never really had a crush on a guy before, in the past I just waited for guys to like me and ask me out, and then I would grow to like (and even love!) them. But I really liked John.

He has a lot of the qualities that I wish that I had; I admire him as a person and love him like a friend. He's a cool guy with excellent taste in music, good vocabulary, and beautiful eyes. And he could make me cum during sex...

Happy One Year.

One year of being lonely. Not always sad, but almost always lonely.

So here's an update: I visited John and we agreed on a relationship. He seems a lot more mature than before.

We have been able to see each other a little bit since we've been together, unfortunately there is a few hours between us (by car!).

I still feel lonely, and very insecure in this relationship. Maybe because M cheated on me? I don't feel like I can trust John. Also, he doesn't put me on this high pedestal like every other guy has done. I like being more independent, but it's a new feeling for me.

I'm so scared one day he's going to wake up and be tired of me, and resent me. Or he may decide that he doesn't like me anymore.

I know everyone has these insecurities.

I wish life was easy, just eat, fuck, play. I wish we didn't have to talk about the hard stuff, or think about what might happen if..

I want him to love me, and to realise that someone like me doesn't come along every day. I want him to believe that I'm special.

Summertime Thoughts.

I have been meaning to update this journal. It's not that I've been *gasp!* too happy or anything, but mostly busy and apathetic.

What happened with that guy? Let's call him John. We had a torrid yet quick relationship, due to the amount of time we had together. He has left, he may be back. I knew that all along, but wasn't sure what to do about it. We slept together. We had a lot of fun together. I like him a lot, to this day and I would definately think about a relationship with him.

In our last few days together we broke it off thinking that this would be the easier way to part. It wasn't, but we pushed through it, trying to be friends without anything physical.

The summer has been pretty lonely and boring overall though. I missed John a lot in the begining, he phoned me once and we had some awkward moments, and since then we have been emailing each other.

An ex has asked me out a few times, and I'm struggling with how to deal with that situation. I'm not a man-hater, or a bitch who can ignore a guy or flat-out tell him no, I try to be kind and gentle. Unfortunately, that means I get harassed/asked out by this guy a lot.

I'm over John, I know it sounds silly but it's true. It was short and we never opened ourselves up enough to leave ourselves vulnerable to being hurt or even merely FEELING for each other, so that leaves me available and looking..

An interesting twist to this story is that I will be doing some visiting this summer, I'm crossing the country and will probably meet up with John for a game of golf and some drinks, at the very least.

I will keep you all posted.

Is it time for a relationship?

A few weeks ago a friend confided that he liked me. This is not something new (a lot of friends have recently been doing that), however this friend and I have a sort of chemistry. We flirt a lot and enjoy each other's company, and it doesn't hurt that he's gorgeous.

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. The more I hang out with him (coffees, lunches, and other random encounters - not sex!) the more I am attracted to him.

He's a bit younger than me, and a virgin. I didn't know what to think at first (in fact, I thought it was a joke when he informed me one half-drunken night), but it's kind of interesting. I don't believe I've ever slept with a virgin. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm not saying that I'm going to sleep with him!

Actually, right now I'm really thinking about something long term. He fits me so well. Similar interests and goals, similar background (we grew up in the same city), yet different enough views on things that we can have interesting and insightful discussions.

I'm not really sure what I should do, I've told him that I like him and we seem to meet up everyday, but I'm vulnerable and shy, and scared to get hurt.

I think an honest and open discussion is in order for us. I will keep you all updated...

and the craziest thing of all? The saddest girl is actually pretty happy...

The One-Night Stand.

So I had an interesting weekend. Getting back to my wild self, I don't know why.

I mostly think because last year at this time I was starting out with M., and now that it's April, I feel the painful memories in the flowers blooming and the smell of the springtime air.

I don't know if I'm kidding myself, or lying to myself about being over him, but maybe I'm not over him yet.

Moving on, I went out this weekend and had a one-night stand with an acquaintance. That part was weird, because we will probably see each other (sober) soon. It was ok, he was kind of inexperienced so that part wasn't too enjoyable. Also, I like guys who can be more aggressive in bed, talk to me and tell me what they like and want. That's the only way I can make their dreams come true. I had to ask him if he would like a blow job. He said yes, and I laughed as I mentioned how normally I wouldn't have to even ask!

But it was very much just drunken sex, which is never too good. But I felt really good afterwards, knowing that the last person I slept with wasn't M. I have like a calm, content feeling about it. There may be some awkwardness later, but it was worth it, I think : )

Sometimes I Forget.

Sometimes I forget I have this blog. It's my little side-project. Although my blog has retired, I do keep another sort of on-line journal.

But in reality, things are really good. I can't complain about things as I would like to, because I've been very lucky to have some life goals realized in the past couple weeks.

M and are are not friends. I have been blocked and deleted by him. I rarely go on-line anymore.

I have another friend who is in love with me, so everyone says, and I'm trying to deal with that gently.
I have another friend who met me back in my wilder days and just wants to hang out/sleep together.

It's unfortunate that I've moved past that stage in my life. I feel like I need more. I need an intellectual relationship. The physical part of the relationship was consuming me, before I needed to feel wanted and I felt that through a man's attraction to my body. Now I realise that a body is a body, and it can attract people to me, but more than anything right now I just need understanding and unconditional love.

And a hug once in a while.

It's crazy how much things change. Before I had an eating disorder, and now I can go out for lunch with friends and not once think about what I'm eating. Before I would want to hook up with hot guys, and now I can't be bothered. Before I always wanted to be around people, and now I value my alone time.

Guess I'm growing up.